Air Guitar Asian American Rulz

I have the great privilege of knowing the Air guitar champions of the world 2003 and 2004 which incidentally were the first years ever that the USA officially joined the race for Air Supremacy. Each year freaks from all over the world compete in their home countries in national competitions then fly to Finland to compete against all these other air guitaristes for the title of International Air Guitar champion. check www.airguitarusa.com for footage. I am thrilled nay ecstatic to inform you that MC Chink Daddy under the alias C Diddy won in 2003 as the first US entrant. And the following year, chink-o-rama dancer Seoul Sonyk under the nom de air guitar Sonyk Rok won the whole shit for the USA again. Did they get endorsed? No. National ad campaign, no. I wonder if they were white people if that would be different. Diddy and ROK did get some national TV exposure on Stern and Conan respectively and some good print press too. But somehow their air supremacy didn't cause the kind of stir I believe it might have had they looked more like Wayne and Garth and less like their math tutors. Perhaps I am cynical. and who the hell cares. Point is, all ye people of color looking for your place in American Pop culture, be proud of our two super star Korean American Air Guitar Champions who totally rocked NY, L.A. and then Finland. They busted an old nerd-non rockin stereotype beating out all the long hairs and other desperate basement guitarists to show that asians act real stupid too and can head bang with the rest of yall.

My aunt thinks I am white

I am visiting with my white aunt who is married to my mom's brother, and she goes "How come all this stuff you are doing is so ASIAN, actually I think she said so ORIENTAL? I mean you aren't asian you are white!" And I hadn't heard that in a while you know, not since someone in high school said, oh kate you are just as white as us, or since in college some guy was talking about the 'horries' and I was like 'what's a horrie?" and he goes "You know, horizontal eyes like indonesians and malaysians" and I was like ummmmm "I am Indonesian" and he goes no you're American, and I go actually I'm Canadian. And then the whole thing was such a waste of time I just swigged another VB beer and shut the hell up. But yeah, my aunt goes "You are not oriental I dont think of you like that and you shouldn't either" which made me blink and think 'Is that a compliment?' She went on about it and said you dont want everyone to think of you as just asian, especially since you are white!" and i thought of all the roles I dont get seen for and I became that bitter asian actor that I try not to be because where does that get us really....But for a moment I was back in those rooms selfconscious about my headshot, aware that I wasnt the norm and wasnt at all on my producer's radar as anything other than a splash of color, so to hear this relative of mine now deny what I have been forced to become, racialised, politicised, and sort of mindlessly tell me that I should embrace my whiteness, the same whiteness that I cannot access to get that cool job on a tv drama that I CRAVE, this left me where so many Hapa kids are. In between. Unwelcome as either an asian person ("but I dont think of you as Oriental!!! Why are you talking all the time about asian stuff?") or as a white person ("We're not going ethnic on this one"). Note to self. Tell everyone to shut the fuck up and keep being a vital involved american artist. Colorraceidentitypoliticsgender unimportant. We all just got to keep busy and reflect the world. I hereby donate all the names and labels and angst about "Who I am???" to the cultural studies departments of Universities far far away from where I practice art and allow myself to be informed by whatever whimsy I choose. My opinion I own. My racial i.d. I choose and choose to talk about if I feel like it, and question if I feel like it, and ignore if I feel like it. What am I? Well today I am tired. Tomorrow I may be an A/PI activist. And on the weekend I may be a bargain shopper.

That Yin Yang thingy dingy

That Yin Yang thing thang


Ummm. So I am at the hamburger Mary charity bingo thing the week after Anna Nicole makes out with the chick bartender (see blog below for pic) hoping Ms Smith with show up again and regale us with more unabashed bingo debauchery--and sure nuff she does show up, and bravely I might add when she shows up with the alleged handcuffs from the alleged incident that bartender blabbed all over the bar and to the NY post's page 6. Anna Nicole comes in and waves the handcuffs and says to everyone's delight "I hear there are some naughty rumors going around here since last week...they might ALL be true..." then sits down and plays bingo! And they say she's dumb... Anyway, the celeb bingo ball caller this week is The white guy (oh wait they are both white) the BIG white guy who doesnt wear kimonos from TLC's That Yin Yang Thing, a weird reality show where two dudes help people like business owners and families who have some issue to resolve. They combine "Eastern" and "Western" "philosophies" to manage dysfunction, inefficiency and interpersonal relations. And one guy wears yukatas and little orientally asianny exoticky clothes and talks about yoga and feng shui and herbal medicines etc while the other one talk about tough assed western styles of management. By the way notice my "inscrutable yet subservient big asian smile as I stand next to Mr. white guy or should I say "Yin." So my friend and super comic Amy Anderson who like me is Asian with non specific ethnic last name--she is an adoptee doncha know but looks like a hot asian model-- anyways Amy informs me she auditioned for the "Eastern" part on the show and we kinda half joke that apparently she wasn't oriental enough for what TLC was thinking in their ingenious east meets west self help show. Now do I give a crap when white guys get dread locks and start prescribing Ginseng root at their alternative medicine house of oriental arts salons? Nope. Does it irk me when white ladies in christmas sweaters start feng shui businesses and talk about ch'i. Not so much. Because who the hellllllll am I o preach about that when I am 50 percent white and had to learn feng shui from books and talks just like them -- what makes me more qualified to hang a crystal in your window and tell you which way to point your furniture? Not my slanty eyes, no ma'am. (talent but that is irrelevant to this discussion.) But something makes me crazyyyyy about the white guy in the dragon shirt on TV talking about the flow of ch'i and pressure points. It smacks of David Carradine in a role written for Bruce Lee. It smacks of Asian people not mattering enough to the powers that make these decisions in terms of representation, to the point that if ya dress in some asian lookin thing you get to be an expert and represent the "Eastern Arts" --what is that anyways. And perhaps if there were a proliferation of Asians on TV outside the usual namicuristmartialartistmathnerdhookeropiumdealerdragonladyforeignerdeliowners, then perhaps it would be cool to have culture be learned and the job be appopriated by the most learned/apprenticed candidate. How would it be if I put on an Aunt Jemima hat and did a cooking show on soul food? What if I put on a sombrero and did a reality show on how to make a nice garden? I dont think people would like it too much. Because I dont represent. And because there are qualified mexican gardeners and black soul chefs who can represent their own culture on TV thank you very fuckin much. But for some reason, we asian people are owned. Just like the orientalist craze in europe at the turn of the century when everyone had to have some cute ass asian looking furniture or hat or thingy to show their friends at tea, it was ok to kinda push aside the human beings behind the trinkets, and forget their wants, issues, abuses that produced the stuff in the first place-- just like that it dont seem to matter that there are Asian PEOPLE behind those concepts, people who might think "Why is the Eastern Expert so clearly some white guy?" Did the net reallllllyyyyy tryyyyyyy harddddd to find a host who perhaps could represent more than the disembodied idea of Asian culture? Is it really that different from the the David Carradine Kung Fu thing or the Mickey Rooney as lisping Japanese landlord? Is it different from black face? minstrel show? We don't have enough representation out there in American culture so you bet your ass it hurts when we see the subliminal message sent that "Your type doesnt really get this the way we (dominant culture) does. Yeah Yeah you invented feng shui but WE really understand it." Why don's the feelings of asian people seeing that matter. Why is it OK to borrow philosophy so freely and claim it, own it and kinda trash the human origins. Why was it "funny" to so many people to listen to William Hung's accent? Were they charmed by his naive belief in himself? Really? Or just thrilled that the Asian minstrel show was seemingly endorsed by our own community--as in 'well it's ok to laugh cause hes ASIAN. It's ok he knows he is funny.' I aint hating on William Hung. I am hating on the people who think the asian accent is funny. And that it's cool to give advice on TV as an "oriental" expert when you're a fuckin white guy in a kimono. Might was well tape back your eyes and get some buck teeth. Nobody's gonna say anything. Coz orientals are QUIET, aint they....